A (Long) Lament for the Church

Taken from Learner's journal entry, written as part of the seminary's annual day of prayer this morning:

"God, here I am with another complaint, yet one that is near to your heart (and becoming more so to mine). I don't desire to whine, but that's all I seem to do after I make such a qualification. Hear me, God, and understand my heart.

I'm weary, Jesus, of your ugly bride - of her inadequacies, of her incompetencies, of her indecency. I'm weary of how your grace covers a multitude of her sins when, frankly, a little more of your wrath (or at least your discipline) might seem to bring about faster change. I'm weary of how your bride is little more than a whore in a wedding dress, and how that seems to bother me more than it does you.

I'm tired of your chosen companion to whom you have committed yourself - she is self-absorbed, completely clueless, and driving me crazy with her wedding plans. If you would just set a date and get married already, then maybe you would be able to (finally) get her under control.

She is rude, Jesus - and arrogant, too, so much so that everything she does is tainted with pride and a lack of honest reflection and communication with you. How can you allow this to go on? Does it not bother you that excellence and beauty are of little concern to her? Are you not aware of how poorly she does everything and is either unaware or unconcerend with her performance? Are you even aware or concerned with her performance? Sometimes I wonder.

Does it not bother you, the words she puts in your mouth? The assumptions she makes? The lack of concern she seems to exhibit for what you have always said you cared about? Does it not bother you that she is flirtatious and easily distracted by other suitors? That she is a gossip? That she is both a prostitute and a prude, depending on who's watching?

And to think, you are still engaged to her after all this time! Why? How can you love her - care for her - think of her with any kind of hope for change in your heart? How can who she is be worthy of who you are? And why am I so offended and almost sorry for the fact that you are so in love with her? She doesn't at all seem your type or on your level.

And yet you are in love with her - you say you are, you show you are, you're sure you are. You're not ashamed of her (or at least you don't seem to be), and you've yet to reconsider your commitment to her (at least not that I know of). You've lain down your life for her and put your reputation (which, in most circles, is quite good when it's apart from her) on the line by not just associating with her, but by being her beau.

And you're patient with her, both now and presumably in the future. And while I don't even begin to understand that, I admire you for it. I want to try to understand, and I want to try to love her the way you love her (though I may not always know why). I know you love her, and that must mean she's worth loving - or maybe she's not, but you do anyway.

Forgive me for my critique; for my own unloveableness; for my own unwillingness to love. Help me love that which you do - in the way you do - to the degree you do.

And send me an invite to the wedding. As much as it's hard to believe, I want to be there when you two finally get hitched."

Happiness Is...

Learner and I went to a bachelor party for a guy he mentored last school year (he gets married today). The party was at Learner's associate pastor's apartment and, after everyone had arrived, then moved to the roof of the 17-story building for drinks and stogies.

While Learner's not one for cigars, he did say that happiness is having an associate pastor who makes the world's greatest gin and tonic.

Writing and the Seminary Experience

Learner is desperately trying to work through a set of papers he is to grade for the seminary's Spiritual and Ministry Formation summer class. While the occasional paper stands out, in general, the writing overall is somewhat lacking.

When I ask him to clarify, his list is as follows:

- poor spelling and missing words
- typos and inconsistent spacing
- lack of structure and logical flow of thought
- little to no documentation of sources quoted
- little to no practical or personal application

In the midst of reading the papers, Learner said there is one positive aspect he can think of: "It's a safe bet nobody's plagiarizing," he said.

Changes Sequel

Learner got semi-rebuked this morning by the chapel coordinator (I'll call her "Fortissima") for his chapel attendance observations, which I shared in my previous post.

"Could it be," she asked, "that attendance is up because of purposeful changes we've made in chapel - adding student testimonies, including more students and their musical gifts - rather than just because of increased student numbers and that it's early in the semester?"

Learner was surprised by Fortissima's reproach, mostly because he was dumbfounded someone had actually read his thoughts here and had confronted him with them in real life.

Looks like I'm going to have to work even harder to get anything out of him now, especially now that he knows we actually have readers.

And looks like he's for sure going to chapel later this morning.

Changes

The weather seems to be changing and Learner and the family are very much enjoying the temperature difference of late. Though the trees have yet to drastically change their color, it won't be long now, and Learner has been in a particularly good mood recently anticipating this transition.

Other changes he's noticed:

- Hebrew (the second time around) isn't so bad. Granted, he hasn't gotten to the place yet where he began to really fall off the wagon the first time, but his sense of calm with the rehashed material at a slightly slower pace has made him feel more at peace.

- In general, his reading is more but less, as a majority of his books are more popular/practical than academic/theological this semester. While he still is required to read a few books he won't try to start before he goes to bed, he has many more that move down to the next level and begin to draw more modern applications.

- Class sizes seem larger this year than last, both in classes he's had as well as in the ones he has, and he's not particularly happy about that fact. Several times he's had flashbacks to courses in college in which he could become quite anonymous, do the readings and homework, pass the exams, and never really have a conversaton with the professor. This, he says, is not what grad school/seminary is supposed to be.

- More people are attending chapel this year than last, but that may be because 1) there are more people enrolled (as mentioned above); and 2) it's still September, a month or so before the big projects are due.

He wonders: if the attendance changes back, is that really a change?

I tell him to get back to Hebrew and stop analyzing everything.

Learner the Emotional Adolescent

Learner just took the Emotional/Spiritual Health Inventory from Peter Scazzero's book, The Emotionally Healthy Church, which he is reading for his Marriage and Family Counseling class. According to the test (as found on pages 60-66 in the book), Learner says he's an official "emotional adolescent" (as opposed to an emotional infant, child, or adult), the definition of which is:

"Like a physical adolescent, I know the right ways I should behave in order to 'fit in' mature, adult society. I can feel threatened and alarmed inside when I am offered constructive criticism, quickly becoming defensive. I subconsciously keep records on the love I give out, so I can ask for something in return at a later time. When I am in conflict, I might admit some fault in the matter, but I will insist on demonstrating the guilt of the other party, proving why they are more to blame. Because of my commitment to self-survival, I have trouble really listening to another person's pain, disappointments, or needs without becoming preoccupied with myself."

I assured him that, while there may be a few true themes, the results weren't quite as overarchingly accurate as he perhaps thought. He conceded my point, saying that in a few categories (looking beneath the surface, breaking the power of the past, living in brokenness and vulnerability), he actually scored on the low end of adulthood.

"Not bad for a 35-year-old," he said.